Footprints in the Snow

Months, it seems,
Have I spent in fighting.
Up and down and back and forth,
Back and forth and up and down,
As though I were taking a ride
On a roller coaster of terror.

The man at the front,
Mockingly dressed in garments of a happy bright,
Deceitfully seats me,
Straps me in tight.
His voice mercilessly rings out:

"Next stop, Depression!
Next stop, Despair!
Next stop, Despondence!"

"Please..."
Comes my weary cry,
"Let me off!"

Why do I submit to this cycle of destruction?
Why can I not find joy?
Why do I,
Over and over,
Spend weeks in the grind,
Only to be harshly awakened by
The reality that my soul is
Tired.
Weak.
Helpless.

The coaster stops for a moment,
Long enough for me to see,
To embrace and to enjoy,
Something beyond myself.

Footprints in the snow,
Captured on film.
Who knew looking through that small lens
Could bring about such great change
In this broken-down heart?
A moment of grace,
An evidence of charis.
There on the ground,
Where ten thousand frozen droplets of water,
Each intricately, uniquely woven,
Were met by the feet of a human.

All at once,
It seems,
I can see again.

A tree, strong and majestic;
A fire of warmth and power;
The colors of a setting sun,
Of pink and orange and beauty.
All these moments of grace;
How had I been missing them?
My roller coaster of terror
Had whispered sweet deception to me,
"Your life is useless;
The world is hopeless;
Surrender to the inevitable
Despair."

Yet,
On that day in the snow,
Where winter and wonder collided,
A far greater,
Far truer Voice
Penetrated my darkness,
"God is not dead,
Nor doth He sleep.*
Awake, Oh soul!
Awake, and sing!
Sing to the Lord,
His love pours out.
Look to Him
And find the grace
Of every moment,
Richly given."

Thus,
Though life may seem bleak
And times dark and desperate,
We do not live as those without hope.
Grace is here,
And love is here,
For He came down
To bring Shalom.


*From "Christmas Bells" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Alone

Alone.















A lonely fish in some impersonal bowl,
Swimming fiercely, furiously,
Fins dancing in a frenzy.
Searching.
Crying out.
Pounding its head against the walls which so easily contain him,
Wondering,
Hoping,
Praying.
Feebly,
His voice quakes,
"Is anyone there?"

Sad, slow, and singular,
Sits Horton the Elephant.
No other of his kind,
Nowhere to be found.
He searches
For someone,
Anyone,
To hear his cries,
To listen to his thoughts,
But most of all,
To understand.
A speck of dust is found,
Where life and friends abound.
No one here believes him;
He hangs his head;
Defeated.

The Creature, the Monster,
The One without a name.
Created in madness,
Left alone
In a state of detestable existence.
This Modern Prometheus,
Longing to be known,
To be loved,
Learns, the worst way there is,
That no human being could ever love
A creature as hideous as he.
Forsaken and forlorn.
Broken.
Bitter.

Stories to which my heart clings,
Cries.
How,
In this world of instant gratification,
Of high-speed pace,
Where Beijing meets L.A.
In two seconds flat,
Could one feel so distant,
So detached,
So....
Alone?
I too, search,
Seemingly in vain,
For someone,
Anyone,
To understand this heart,
This collision of flesh and soul.
I long,
Yet fear,
For if you really knew what happens here,
In my corruption,
In the depths of my person,
Could you understand?
Could you love?

From others, I have heard the same.
Even in the closest of human relations,
An overwhelming beauty,
Covenant before God and man,
A longing endures,
A certain insatiable hunger
For something deeper.

I know You must have felt it too,
This emptiness,
This separation.
You, who dwelt among men,
Yet were holy, set apart.
You,
Who were surrounded by many,
But rejected by most.
Surely You,
Who bore all our pain and suffering,
All our sin,
Know what it is to feel alone.
Naked,
Hanging in shame,
Bleeding,
Dying,
Alone.

Yet you did not lose heart;
A greater hope,
A more perfect love,
Comforted Your soul.
I see,
From Your holy, perfect life,
The only remedy
For this illness of the mind
Is communion with The Great Healer;
The only fix
For this endlessly dark hole
Is light from The Infinite One.
No human relationship,
No matter how special,
Could ever satisfy this longing.
Only You.

Come into our hearts;
Fill this emptiness we feel!
May these desires,
To be known and to be loved,
Be satisfied in You.
May we never be brought to despair,
But instead hasten us to Your side,
Where innocent blood flowed
That made a way for us to be
Ultimately known,
Yet perfectly loved.

Things Forgotten

This room is familiar:
These walls, this floor, the air.
I strive to recollect,
All the times I have listened, learned, cried in here.
The Great Teacher smiles upon me;
He, whose knowledge exceeds all,
Who knows me better than even I.
"What shall I learn today?"
I eagerly question,
In hopes of something scholarly,
Something advanced,
Something I could deem worthy.

He lovingly speaks,

"Trust."

Enraged, I cry out
With bitterness,
"Teacher, have I not already learned this?
I know I have!
I remember!
When brother moved away,
When You led me to camp,
When You drew me back to this town,
When he left me for months,
When Dad was gone...
I sat in this very room,
Learned this very lesson.
I know trust."

He looks at me, into me, through me.
Patiently, knowingly, perfectly.
He needn't say anything,
For He speaks to my soul;
Without comprehensible syllables,
He communicates,
Beautifully, articulately.
I know He is right;
He is always right.

I have forgotten.

O'er and o'er
Has He proven His faithfulness
To this faithless creature.
O'er and o'er
Have I turned away;
Forgotten;
Forsaken;
Lessons so flawlessly taught,
Yet so foolishly abandoned.

I fall down.
Ashamed.
Despondent.
"Forgive me,
Oh Great Teacher!
For against You,
You only,
Do I sin.
Not life,
But death is all I deserve.
Were justice to be done,
This shallow breathing would cease,
And the beating of this weak and weary heart
Would drum no more."

I look up;
Grace overwhelms me;
Peace,
Love,
And mercy abounding.

He calls to me.
"Cease striving,
And know
I AM."


Lessons taught,
Lessons learned,
Flood my mind,
Like the tears upon my face.
Accepted,
Saved,
Redeemed,
Sanctified,
Loved,
Justified,
Conquerer...
Because of Christ alone,
For Christ alone,
By His blood alone.

These sweet truths
I pray not so easily to forget.
Even if I do,
Prone to wander as I am,
There is hope.
The Great Teacher is not yet finished;
More,
An unspeakable glory,
A perfect Shalom,
Is yet to come!

Let it come!

Winter

It is cold here,
This winter of heart and land.
Who will come to warm us?
Who will be the one to save us
From our killing
From our wars
From our fighting
From our drugs
Pain
Strife
Death
Confusion
Perversities
Anger
Pride
Abuse
Injustice
Depression
Hopelessness
Hatred?
All only symptoms
Of a much larger war.
SIN.
How can we fight?
How can we win?
Since birth, corrupted.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
I cannot change.
No one can change.
No small Indian man with a vision and a fight;
No sweet old nun, selfless in her heart;
No suit and tied man armed with legislation and war;
All of us broken and bruised.
Marred by SIN.
Separated from our only hope
Because He is too good,
and we are not.
Bleak.
Hopeless.

There is One,
Greater than all of this
Who was, is, and is to come.
He came through the line of a king
But exceeds all those before Him.
Born humbly, abjectly
Surrounded by the unclean,
Yet filled with glory.
He is our sole Hope, our Savior, the one to mend our hearts.
He has made it right.
We may now enter in,
Still broken and bruised,
But hopeful.
He can change that which cannot be changed.
Our hearts of stone,
Immovable,
He has melted
With one glimpse of His glorious grace.
Hope of the Jew and the Gentile,
He is righteous and good and perfect,
Everything we were not.
Our greatest joy is
Knowing Him.
He has come to warm us.
His all consuming fire,
To save us from our winter enslavement
And bring life once again.

Come, oh come, Emmanuel!

Lauren

Joyful eyes, a sweet smile, a contagious laugh.
Broken body, a thriving spirit, a beautiful mind.
How could You?  We all tremblingly wonder.  How??
She was too young.  We all angrily cry.  Too young!
Trust.
He, who knows far better than we,
With plans to prosper and not to harm.
For a hope.
And a future.
For our good.
For His glory.
Let it be so.

Lauren Buck knew, with full conviction, that "To live is Christ, and to die is gain."  Lauren may have been unable to speak those words in a way that others could understand; Lauren may have been unable to read those words from the Bible; Lauren may have looked different and sounded different than all the other Christ followers around her, but Lauren lived in such a way that boldly proclaimed the power and joy of Christ to all she encountered.
Lauren was born, like my brother Jesse and dear friend Rebekah, with complications, leaving her brain severely damaged. With a condition doctors like to call cerebral palsy, Lauren's body was unsubmissive and weak: speaking was arduous, moving was laborious, walking...impossible.  Her spirit, however, was unfettered.  Though Lauren was confined to a wheelchair, she was the definition of an overcomer.  Like many with CP, Lauren and her parents were not told that which she would be able to accomplish in her lifetime, but rather all she would be incapable of doing.  That, of course, did not stop her for a moment.  Lauren seized every second in joy and tore down, with her sweet CP hands, the barriers the doctors and therapists placed around her.  She was truly an inspiration.
Lauren Buck was delivered from her weak flesh November 25, 2011.  Her death was sudden, untimely.  She was twelve years old.  However, she left the world, I am told, in the same wonderfully jubilant way she lived every single day, never thinking for a moment that life was too difficult or unfair or pointless.
No longer is she subject to the weakness of her flesh.  No longer is she suffering under the reign of the Fall.  Lauren is free.  And one day, when Christ comes again, she will be resurrected.  Her body will be perfect.  She will spend eternity praising the glorious King of Kings.
There is no need for mourning over this sweet girl's death.  Her life was never characterized by sadness.  She knew, somehow, in her wonderful mind, that to know Christ is to know joy.  Exceeding, unending joy.
How many times have I felt sorry for myself because I feel "underprivileged"?  How often have I thought about how "unfair" it is that I am not skinnier or prettier or smarter or whatever else I am convinced will finally satisfy me?
Lauren, of all people, had a right to think such things, yet I do not think she did for a moment.  I think she was far more concerned with loving and being loved by people.  Oh, and laughing!

Gracious Father,
Thank you for the gift that Lauren was.  Thank you for using her short, sweet life to remind me that my time and the time of those I love is limited, and that joy can be found at all times in all situations because of You.  Thank you for the knowledge that death is conquered in Christ.  Thank you for the Shalom that is to come, the restoration of all things to You.  Come, Lord Jesus, come.  Resurrect us.
Let Your Kingdom come.

Assurance

ALMIGHTY GOD,
I am loved with everlasting love,
     clothed in eternal righteousness,
          my peace flowing like a river
          my comforts many and large,
          my joy and triumph unutterable,
          my soul lively with a knowledge of salvation,
          my sense of justification unclouded.
I have scarce anything to pray for;
Jesus smiles upon my soul as a ray of heaven
     and my supplications are swallowed up in praise.
How sweet is the glorious doctrine of election
     when based upon thy Word
          and wrought inwardly within the soul!
I bless thee that thou wilt keep the sinner thou hast loved,
     and hast engaged that he will not forsake thee,
          else I would never get to heaven.
I wrong the work of grace in my heart
     if I deny my new nature and my eternal life.
If Jesus were not my righteousness and redemption,
     I would sink into nethermost hell
          by my misdoings, shortcomings, unbelief, unlove;
If Jesus were not by the power of his Spirit my sanctification,
     there is no sin I should not commit.
O when shall I have his mind!
     when shall I be conformed to his image?
All the good things of life are less than nothing
     when compared with his love,
          and wit on glimpse of thy electing favour.
All the treasures of a million worlds could not make me richer,
     happier, more contented,
          for his unsearchable riches are mine.
One moment of communion with him,
     one view of his grace,
          is ineffable, inestimable.
But O God, I could not long after thy presence
     if I did not know the sweetness of it;
And such I could not know except by thy Spirit in my heart,
     nor love thee at all unless thou didst
          elect me,
          call me,
          adopt me,
          save me.
I bless thee for the covenant of grace.

-excerpt from The Valley of Vision by Arthur Bennett-

Biblical Womanhood

     Although being a woman is a defining aspect of my existence, second only to my identity in Christ and bestowed upon me by the Almighty Father who knit me in my mother's womb, as I have grown older, I have found it rather difficult to know what it means to truly be a woman of Biblical proportions.  As a young girl, I gathered from observation that women were to be pretty, well-dressed, excellent cooks, and adorers of all things sparkly or pink.  Unfortunately, I found myself lacking in most, if not all, of those areas.  I must confess to have been in a rather discouraged state at times; if I were not these things, and all of the other ideas the world has conjured up to define femininity, how could I possibly be a woman??  Thankfully after reading a number of brilliant books by Elisabeth Elliot, who is perhaps my favorite woman of the Twentieth century, I was confronted with the idea that true, Biblical womanhood is far more than simply looking pretty and staying in fashion while men roll around in the mud and do work.  Her insights were quite refreshing, yet left me with an even greater desire for understanding.  Thus, I recently began reading a hefty book edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem entitled Recovering Biblical Manhood and Woman:  A Response to Evangelical Feminism. It is rather lengthy, yet I do believe it will prove itself worth the read as I have already benefited much from its content.  At the end of chapter one, in which Piper discusses "A Vision of Biblical Complementarity", a wonderful challenge to both men and women is included. I found each challenge to be inspiring and convicting. I still have many questions concerning what it means to truly walk as a woman of God, but I pray the Lord continues to graciously reveal the pathway to me.  It is my sincerest hope that someday, as I faithfully pursue Christ and seek to understand the concept of Biblical womanhood, I will be a living example of these words:
1.  That all of your life—in whatever calling—be devoted to the glory of God.
2.  That the promises of Christ be trusted so fully that peace and joy and strength fill your soul to overflowing.
3.  That this fullness of God overflow in daily acts of love so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven.
4.  That you be women of the Book, who love and study and obey the Bible in every area of its teaching; that meditation on Biblical truth be the source of hope and faith; that you continue to grow in understanding through all the chapters of your life, never thinking that study and growth are only for others.
5.  That you be women of prayer, so that the Word of God will be opened to you, and so the power of faith and holiness would descend upon you; that your spiritual influence may increase at home and at church and in the world.
6.  That you be women who have a deep grasp of the sovereign grace of God which undergirds all these spiritual processes; and that you be deep thinkers about the doctrines of grace, and even deeper lovers of these things.
7.  That you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific role; that you not fritter away your time on soaps or women's magazines or unimportant hobbies; that you redeem the time for Christ and his Kingdom.
8.  That, if you are single, you exploit your singleness to the full in devotion to God (the way Jesus and Paul and Mary Slessor and Amy Carmichael did) and not be paralyzed by the desire to be married.
9.  That, if you are married, you creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of your husband as deeply as obedience to Christ will allow; that you encourage him in his God-appointed role as head; that you influence him spiritually primarily through your fearless tranquility and holiness and prayer.
10.  That, if you have children, you accept responsibility with your husband (or alone if necessary) to raise up children who hope in the discipline and instruction of the Lord-children who hope in the triumph of God-sharing with your husband the teaching and discipline they need, and giving them the special attachment they crave from you, as well as that special nurturing touch and care that you alone are fitted to give.
11.  That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home, the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world; that you not only pose the question: career or full-time homemaker?, but that you ask just as seriously: full time career or freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom— to work for someone who tells you what to do to make his business prosper, or to be God's free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God's business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or upward lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the family and advance the cause of Christ.
12.  That you step back and (with your husband, if you are married) plan the various forms of your life's ministry in chapters. Chapters are divided by various things—age, strength, singleness, marriage, employment, children at home, children in college, grandchildren, retirement, etc. No chapter has all the joys. Finite life is a series of tradeoffs. Finding God's will, and living for the glory of Christ to the full in every chapter is what makes it a success, not whether it reads like somebody else's chapter or whether it has in it what chapter five will have.
13.  That you develop a wartime mentality and lifestyle; that you never forget that life is short, that billions of people hang in the balance of heaven and hell every day, that the love of money is spiritual suicide, that the goals of upward mobility (nicer clothes, cars, houses, vacations, food, hobbies) are a poor and dangerous substitute for the goals of living for Christ with all your might, and maximizing your joy in ministry to people's needs.
14.  That in all your relationships with men (not just in marriage) you seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in applying the Biblical vision of manhood and womanhood; that you develop a style and demeanor that does justice to the unique role God has given to man to feel responsible for gracious leadership in relation to women—a leadership which involves elements of protection and a pattern of initiative; that you think creatively and with cultural sensitivity (just as he must do) in shaping the style and setting the tone of your interaction with men.
15.  That you see Biblical guidelines for what is appropriate and inappropriate for men and women in relation to each other not as arbitrary constraints on freedom, but as wise and gracious prescriptions for how to discover the true freedom of God's ideal of complementarity; that you not measure your potential by the few roles withheld, but by the countless roles offered; that you look to the loving God of Scripture and dream about the possibilities of your service to him...
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

Pressing on...

     In preparation for this entry, I have been contemplating the tendency of my heart to be cleverly and deceivingly "patient".  Recently, with the return of Devin from our three and a half month separation almost here, as well as my graduation from high school (finally!) drawing near, I have found myself in a realm of pseudo-patience that has been very detrimental to my spiritual health.  I have struggled intensely these past few months with levels of sin which I have never felt or experienced before in my life: my soul has been exceedingly base; my affections for Christ, weak and waning; my love, poor.  At times, I have genuinely desired and striven to press into Christ despite the undesirable conditions of my heart and surroundings, yet far too easily have I given up the fight, only to tell myself that perhaps in another time, on another day, I will pursue Him.  I, though perhaps not in so many words, have undoubtedly thought to myself lies such as, "When Devin comes home, then I will love Jesus again,"  and "When I finally get out of high school,  I will not fall so easily into depression, hate, impatience, anger..."
Upon retrospect, I am aware that I have allowed myself to believe such things for so long.  However, these beliefs are practically ingrained within me.  It seems as if a majority of my life has been spent in this pseudo-patience, waiting in vain for the next desirable occurrence that might perhaps make my life worth living.  Thankfully, though, the Lord has been gracious to reveal to me the fault in my thinking.  I have come to realize that if I am not loving and pressing into Christ right now, why would I suddenly choose to do so later?  If in this fallow season I am not being disciplined in the faith, why would I change simply as my circumstances were altered?  Not to say, of course, that the Lord cannot and will not use different places, people, and things to bring about change in my heart, but if I do not intentionally fight sin daily, I will continue to struggle with the same evils, no matter where I go or who is around me.  If I do not chase after Jesus now, I will not be any nearer to Him ten years from now than I was today.
This is not an easy truth; I would prefer to believe that I can simply sit around in indifference until the Lord brings me to a healthy church in a pretty town with people who are easy to love and a life that carries purpose.  Perhaps someday the Lord will bless me with such a situation, but as for now, I must cultivate a love for Jesus, in spite of where I am. In reality, my heart will remain the same, despite changing surroundings, if I am not actively loving, pursuing, and seeking the Lord, pleading earnestly with Him to change my heart by the power of the Gospel and through the work of the Holy Spirit.
I pray the Lord extends grace and mercy to me through the Beloved, that I might be freed from the bondage to apathetic waiting that I have so foolishly been chained to.  May I pursue and seek Christ, regardless of my circumstances, regardless of who I am with or where I am, and regardless of whether I feel like doing so.  May I be persistent in the spiritual disciplines of reading, prayer, fellowship, and confession, areas in which I so frequently fail.  Most of all, may Christ be glorified in all that I think, say, and do at all times and in all seasons!  May the same be true for you!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth
“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.”
-Elizabeth Prentiss

Made Perfect in Weakness

     I must confess that I have been undeniably and unfortunately exhausted of late.  I consider myself to be pretty decent at beginning things with excitement and enthusiasm, but finishing is certainly not always my forte.  I began this year with the best of intentions, eager to redeem the time at Canyon High School, despite my deep desire to be elsewhere.  I faired well at maintaining a good attitude and pursuing joy for a good two and a half months...but recently, I have failed miserably.  In all honesty, I am tired of being in high school; I am weary of continually toiling at what seems to be meaningless assignments; I am worn out from trying to love people like Jesus has loved me.  I want to pursue Christ, but I am facing much opposition from my flesh.  I have this foolish, yet intense desire within me for people to perceive me as a well-composed, stable young lady; yet, I have found that often I become more concerned with appearing to be a "good Christian" than with actually loving Jesus and allowing Him to change my heart.  I certainly want to maintain my witness for those around me, that they might see my character and know that I have been saved by Jesus; unfortunately, though, this earnest desire for good has been transformed into a nasty idol. In my pondering of this evident struggle of my heart, a question came into my mind which struck me deeply: why would the people I encounter at school ever want to enter into a relationship with Jesus when all they see in my life is a well-polished, fake front of perfection?  Though vulnerability does not come easily to me, I have come to realize the necessity of it in my walk with Jesus.  He knows my every thought and action; thus, it is foolish for me to attempt to conceal my sin from Him.  Additionally, if I do not confess my sin to others because I fear letting anyone know of my pride, shame, lust, or depression issues, I will be alone and isolated in my struggles, which is a terrible place to be.  There is almost no tool greater for the Enemy to use in defeating me and stealing my joy than the idea that I am a lonely sinner.  This leads to terrible shame, isolation, and an overall unhealthy perception of reality.  Not only is that so, but one of the primary reasons my heart becomes so exhausted is because I do not faithfully confess my sin to fellow believers, or even to anyone.  Not to say that I should go around confessing my deepest darkest struggles to everyone I meet, but there is certainly a beauty in allowing certain trusted Christians, and even non-Christians or struggling believers, to see that I am weak and helpless without Jesus.  It is not easy for me to allow people to see my battles against depression, lust, purposelessness, pride, or self-loathing; however, if those I encounter in my day know that I have sin in my heart and struggle deeply to love and be loved by Jesus, how much greater my witness would be of the grace and mercy of Him who saved me!  Not only that, but how much simpler would my life become if I no longer attempted to maintain an image of holiness, but sought to be real and honest about my weaknesses, and, more importantly, about Christ's strength?  I am certainly not saying that I should be comfortable with my sin and treat it as simply a nice topic of conversation, for it is a grave offense against the one true and holy God, nor am I saying that I should walk in sin so that nonbelievers will feel more at home around me.  I am saying, though, that I am an imperfect and fallen creature, struggling to become what the Lord has called me to be, and that God is an almighty, perfect, holy God who is continuing to change my heart through the Gospel.  This is a truth I should seek to share with all that I encounter!  May He be glorified as I seek to be honest about the issues of my heart and, more importantly, as I proclaim His steadfast love and unchanging grace!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

I Asked the Lord...

     To say these last few months have been trying would be quite the understatement.  Moments of rest have been scarce and, consequently, precious as I have experienced many intense struggles and have learned innumerable lessons.  It is difficult to recall precisely when this toiling journey began; however, to the best of my recollection, I believe it began around the start of July.  Throughout the school year prior to this summer, I, rather unknowingly, was living in the sin of pride and intense judgment.  I did not love the people at my school; I found most of them to be annoying, immature, and unworthy of my time or notice.  The Lord, being gracious toward me and hearing my earnest cries for growth, did not leave me to continue in this state of self-righteousness and pride.  Thus, in the summer, seemingly out of nowhere, I was overcome with a struggle against sin like nothing I had ever previously been faced with.  My heart was filled with all sort of evil and perversities, and, consequently, intense shame and despair.  I battled endlessly for a number of days, weeks even.  My heart and soul were utterly overtaken; every moment I found myself falling into wrongdoing.  Yet it was in this time, sheerly by the providence of God, that the truth of the Gospel became a reality to me.  In our studies at Panfork, we had been discussing how the weight and gravity of our sin separates us from the Lord and is quite distinct from the holiness and glory of God, and how, the more we realize the depth of our sin in light of God's perfection, the more we understand and glory in the love and power of the Cross.  As earlier mentioned, I had fallen into a state of sinning frequently in my heart and mind by feeling prideful and "puffed up" because of my "holiness".  In this season in my life, however, the Lord graciously opened my eyes to see not only the sin of my pride, but also the sinful motivations for even the "good" things for which I found reason for pride.  He continues to show me that without Him, I am nothing; that it is only by His divine grace and steadfast love that I have been saved.  Were it not for Him, I would be in a state far worse than those whom I previously found "unholy".  I am grateful for this lesson, as I can certainly see the fruit of it in my life as I strive to remain humble in the shadow of the Cross and try to love people as I have been loved, yet this has been quite a difficult season in my life.  Before I began this journey, I was introduced by a dear friend to a song by John Newton called "I Asked the Lord".   When first I heard the words to the song, I found them to be pleasing and good; however, after the Lord brought me into the Valley of Vision, the words to this moving song were such a sweet comfort to me and resonated the cries of my heart.  I recall sitting at the piano weeping uncontrollably and singing this song at the top of my lungs as I struggled and battled against the sin of my soul, yet all the while feeling the assurance that the Lord would deliver me and bring me to a place of more intimate knowledge of Him.  I am amazed and thank the Lord for using a song written by John Newton in 1779 ago to minister to my weak and hurting soul in 2011.  What a mighty, sovereign God I serve!  Praise Him for His steadfast love, the redemptive power of the Cross, the sanctification of His saints, and His unwavering and continual pursuit of me!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

I Asked the Lord

Written by John Newton

I asked the Lord that I might grow                                                                                                            
In faith and love and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

'Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request;
And by His love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in ev'ry part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed
Cast out my feelings, laid me low.

"Lord, why is this," I trembling cried,
"Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?"
"'Tis in this way," the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free,
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thine all in me."                      

Hot, steamy summers, hard, tiring work, and boundless blessings...

     No matter how many times I recall the events that led me to Panfork, I cannot seem to discern how, other than by the grace and providence of God, I came to work there.  Upon remembering, the events which transpired seem strange and almost unreal; my older brother Jesse simply mentioned the place to me in passing, and I, for unknown reasons, felt an unusual desire to work there.  Only a few weeks after my first exposure to the idea of Panfork, I had been granted a guaranteed position as a 2010 summer staffer.  Regardless of the countless times I have racked my memory for an answer, I have yet to discover why I was interested in working at a church camp that was completely foreign to me and was located two hours away from my home.  I knew next to nothing about Panfork, I knew no one who worked there, save Kade Wilcox, and at the time I was far from the Lord.  I suppose in reality I desired an escape from myself, and Panfork presented just that.  More than that, though, I know that it was the Lord leading me and guiding me, though my face was hidden from Him.
Upon my arrival I had no idea what a change was to occur in my heart and mind as a result of what candidly seemed to be a summer job.  Nonetheless, I am grateful beyond words for my experiences at Panfork.  Prior to the summer of 2010, I was depressed, purposeless, and despairing.  The Lord beautifully used the work, relationships, and opportunities I encountered that summer to draw me once again into His arms and to mold me further into His image.  I have learned much and have grown immensely since then.  I cannot express in words my gratitude to Kade and Lacey Wilcox for their selfless investment in me, their continual encouragement to me, and their irreplaceable involvement in my life.  They have truly been a blessing to me, giving me much wisdom and admonishment.  Oh...and a car!!!!  Everyday I am amazed that Devin Noble chose to pursue a relationship with me.  At the time in which we met, I was young, foolish, and probably a bit crazy, too.  Yet, he lovingly chose me and committed to me and has not ceased to be a blessing to me.  He has truly helped to change my entire perception of reality and to view all things in light of the Gospel. Many of the other staffers are my dear friends, pen pals, sisters and brothers in Christ, of whom I am unspeakably grateful.  Panfork would be nothing special were it not for the individuals therein who have been radically altered by the Gospel and who seek to glorify Christ in all things. 
I have experienced beautiful, boundless growth as a result of my time at Panfork, thanks to the graciousness of the Lord and the wonderful friendships with which He blessed me.  I cannot thank Him enough for saving me from the despair in which I once lived, for delivering me from the domain of darkness and transferring me to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom I have found redemption and the forgiveness of sins.  Praise the Lord!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

Scars

     As I looked upon my reflection in the mirror today, I was tempted, as I so often am, to be utterly repulsed by the face before me.  Most women I know struggle intensely with desiring to feel beautiful, and I am certainly no exception.  After battling cystic acne for a number of years, my skin is certainly not pale and porcelain as I would like.  Consequently, at times I can hardly stand to look at my face for all the deep scars within it. Today, though, in the midst of this moment of despair, the Lord, as He is so faithful to do, brought a beautiful revelation into my mind that nearly brought me to tears. 
There was a time in my life in which I lived in a state of utter despair, self-loathing, and depression.  I could not stand my life; I was very far from the Lord; at times, all I wanted to do was die.  Strangely, though certainly not accidentally, enough, this was about the time that my skin was breaking out the worst and causing me both physical and emotional pain.  Thankfully, though, by the grace of God, I was providentially lifted out of this state of hopelessness by a number of fantastic events and was brought once again into the arms of the Father, where I experienced much joy and healing.  Foolishly I believed that after this renewal, my life would be smooth sailing.  However, though I have been healed, not only of my struggle against cystic acne, but more importantly of the sickness in my soul, I still live with the scars of my past struggles and battles.  At times, I am drawn once again into despair and depression; at times, I am tempted to believe in the lies which so terribly entangled me before the Lord's grace abounded to me and rescued me; at times, all I can see are the scars and the limp that I carry from my past.  Yet, I can find, and continue to find, renewed joy and healing in the Gospel.  In Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, Albert Mohler wonderfully illustrates this concept:
"Consider a man who has sinned by driving under the influence of alcohol.  One night, sinfully drunk and recklessly irresponsible, this man drives right into a wall at high speed.  His body is broken, but his life is saved as he is taken to the hospital and receives emergency treatment.  He recovers from the accident, but he will forever walk with a limp.  Let us follow this man as he comes to faith in Christ.  The grace of God transforms him, reordering his affections as he gains victory over alcoholism.  Regeneration has produced a new man.  "The old has passed away; behold the new has come" (2 Cor. 5:17)--but he still walks with a limp.  This limp does not disqualify him from displaying the glory of God.  As a matter of fact, he may see his limp as an opportunity for witness: "I want to tell you who I was in order to tell you who I now am by the grace of God.  You see, this limp is a part of my story.  It's an important part of how I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ and how he changed my life."  In reality, every one of us limps.  Throughout our lives, until the day of glorification, every one of us will limp.  We must look to the moment of our future glorification (Rom. 8:30) as the moment of our release from every limp."
What an encouragement it is to know that although I may now limp and carry scars because of sin's affect on my body and soul, I am not condemned to forever live and walk as an incomplete creature.  There will be complete release and full restoration on the day of glorification!  Praise the Lord!  As for now, I pray that I will use my limp and scars to bring glory to Christ, to proclaim not only the saving work he has done and continues to do in my life, but the ultimate hope I have for eternity in Him for healing!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

A Seemingly Futile Quest for Answers

     As a senior in high school, it seems as if the only topic those around me are interested in is the future.  I cannot count the number of times of late that  I have been asked questions such as "Where are you going to college?" or "What are you going to major in?" or "What do you want to do with your life?".  Because I have been so continually questioned and rather frequently berated for my typically inconclusive responses, I recently endeavored to discover the elusive answers to these seemingly pressing questions.  Unfortunately, despite my noblest efforts, all I came to find in my Quest for Answers was frustration and depression.  I thought quite long and hard about all the potential routes my future could take, which path I should choose, and various other autonomous issues.  Afterward, though, I felt no sudden relief or revelation; in reality, all I wanted to do was crawl up in the corner and cry.  Yet, after about a day of despair and confusion, the Lord was very gracious to reveal to me the apparent error in my way of thinking.  All too often I am foolishly led astray and befuddled by the influence of society, with their questions such as "What do you want to do with your future?" or "What are your plans?".  Such questions do not glorify the Lord, but glorify the individual, and quite frankly lead to hopelessness and selfishness.  Thankfully, the Lord has not left me to perish in such places, but continues to allow me to see my life, not in light of the false teachings of man, but in light of His Gospel and grace.  Rather than asking myself what I want to do, I instead should consider "What could I do, not only in the future, but right now, to best serve the Kingdom of Christ?" and "What gifts has the Lord granted to me, whether as an individual or as a part of His Redeemed, that I can use to serve the church and the Kingdom?".  When I ask myself these questions, the answers seem far more clear and Biblical than when I attempt, usually in vain, to figure out what Janae wants to do.  The Lord has graciously extended salvation to me, while I was yet a sinner, and has adopted me into His household.  As a redeemed member of the body of Christ, I am called to serve and love the Church.  Thus, even if my ideas and plans for my future do not come to fruition, I can rest knowing that I will always be called, in whatever walk of life or whatever circumstance, to serve and love the church, be it through women's ministry or worship ministry or children's ministry or whatever the Lord wills.  Additionally, the Lord created me as a woman, unique and distinct from man, for a reason and a purpose.  As a woman, I can serve the Kingdom by being a loving wife and mother in the future, though such things inevitably demand sacrifice and will surely be sanctifying.  Because I was created by God for the role of Wife and Mother, I know that I would find joy and fulfillment in doing those things.  What a relief it has been to ponder my future not as my own, but as Christ's, for I no longer belong to myself, but to Him!  May I seek to serve Him, not only in the days to come, but in each and every day!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

Beginnings...

     In my lifetime, I have not written much of anything, or at least anything of significance.  My writings have consisted mainly of school assignments and personal journalings, the former being unfortunately dull, and the latter, exceptionally personal.  However, in spite of my apparent lack of experience, I have continually found a certain beauty and comfort in the realm of the written word.  I am rather insecure in my communication skills as I am not particularly eloquent in speech or apt at converting my thoughts into words, yet, when writing, I find wonder and delight in attempting to convey my thoughts and feelings into comprehensible words.  Thus, though faced with my own inhibitions, I decided to start a blog.  I am completely terrified, as I am generally quite guarded and cannot imagine real people reading my thoughts and writings.  Nonetheless, I want to do this, if only to satisfy my need for introspection and expression.  It is my earnest hope and prayer that through my writings, Christ will be magnified; that, as I recount my experiences, thoughts, mistakes, struggles, and joys, it will be evident that Christ is at work in my life and heart.  He is my life, my joy, my purpose, my all, my end.  May he be glorified in all that I think, say, and do!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth