In preparation for this entry, I have been contemplating the tendency of my heart to be cleverly and deceivingly "patient". Recently, with the return of Devin from our three and a half month separation almost here, as well as my graduation from high school (finally!) drawing near, I have found myself in a realm of pseudo-patience that has been very detrimental to my spiritual health. I have struggled intensely these past few months with levels of sin which I have never felt or experienced before in my life: my soul has been exceedingly base; my affections for Christ, weak and waning; my love, poor. At times, I have genuinely desired and striven to press into Christ despite the undesirable conditions of my heart and surroundings, yet far too easily have I given up the fight, only to tell myself that perhaps in another time, on another day, I will pursue Him. I, though perhaps not in so many words, have undoubtedly thought to myself lies such as, "When Devin comes home, then I will love Jesus again," and "When I finally get out of high school, I will not fall so easily into depression, hate, impatience, anger..."
Upon retrospect, I am aware that I have allowed myself to believe such things for so long. However, these beliefs are practically ingrained within me. It seems as if a majority of my life has been spent in this pseudo-patience, waiting in vain for the next desirable occurrence that might perhaps make my life worth living. Thankfully, though, the Lord has been gracious to reveal to me the fault in my thinking. I have come to realize that if I am not loving and pressing into Christ right now, why would I suddenly choose to do so later? If in this fallow season I am not being disciplined in the faith, why would I change simply as my circumstances were altered? Not to say, of course, that the Lord cannot and will not use different places, people, and things to bring about change in my heart, but if I do not intentionally fight sin daily, I will continue to struggle with the same evils, no matter where I go or who is around me. If I do not chase after Jesus now, I will not be any nearer to Him ten years from now than I was today.
This is not an easy truth; I would prefer to believe that I can simply sit around in indifference until the Lord brings me to a healthy church in a pretty town with people who are easy to love and a life that carries purpose. Perhaps someday the Lord will bless me with such a situation, but as for now, I must cultivate a love for Jesus, in spite of where I am. In reality, my heart will remain the same, despite changing surroundings, if I am not actively loving, pursuing, and seeking the Lord, pleading earnestly with Him to change my heart by the power of the Gospel and through the work of the Holy Spirit.
I pray the Lord extends grace and mercy to me through the Beloved, that I might be freed from the bondage to apathetic waiting that I have so foolishly been chained to. May I pursue and seek Christ, regardless of my circumstances, regardless of who I am with or where I am, and regardless of whether I feel like doing so. May I be persistent in the spiritual disciplines of reading, prayer, fellowship, and confession, areas in which I so frequently fail. Most of all, may Christ be glorified in all that I think, say, and do at all times and in all seasons! May the same be true for you!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth
“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.”
-Elizabeth Prentiss
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