I must confess that I have been undeniably and unfortunately exhausted of late. I consider myself to be pretty decent at beginning things with excitement and enthusiasm, but finishing is certainly not always my forte. I began this year with the best of intentions, eager to redeem the time at Canyon High School, despite my deep desire to be elsewhere. I faired well at maintaining a good attitude and pursuing joy for a good two and a half months...but recently, I have failed miserably. In all honesty, I am tired of being in high school; I am weary of continually toiling at what seems to be meaningless assignments; I am worn out from trying to love people like Jesus has loved me. I want to pursue Christ, but I am facing much opposition from my flesh. I have this foolish, yet intense desire within me for people to perceive me as a well-composed, stable young lady; yet, I have found that often I become more concerned with appearing to be a "good Christian" than with actually loving Jesus and allowing Him to change my heart. I certainly want to maintain my witness for those around me, that they might see my character and know that I have been saved by Jesus; unfortunately, though, this earnest desire for good has been transformed into a nasty idol. In my pondering of this evident struggle of my heart, a question came into my mind which struck me deeply: why would the people I encounter at school ever want to enter into a relationship with Jesus when all they see in my life is a well-polished, fake front of perfection? Though vulnerability does not come easily to me, I have come to realize the necessity of it in my walk with Jesus. He knows my every thought and action; thus, it is foolish for me to attempt to conceal my sin from Him. Additionally, if I do not confess my sin to others because I fear letting anyone know of my pride, shame, lust, or depression issues, I will be alone and isolated in my struggles, which is a terrible place to be. There is almost no tool greater for the Enemy to use in defeating me and stealing my joy than the idea that I am a lonely sinner. This leads to terrible shame, isolation, and an overall unhealthy perception of reality. Not only is that so, but one of the primary reasons my heart becomes so exhausted is because I do not faithfully confess my sin to fellow believers, or even to anyone. Not to say that I should go around confessing my deepest darkest struggles to everyone I meet, but there is certainly a beauty in allowing certain trusted Christians, and even non-Christians or struggling believers, to see that I am weak and helpless without Jesus. It is not easy for me to allow people to see my battles against depression, lust, purposelessness, pride, or self-loathing; however, if those I encounter in my day know that I have sin in my heart and struggle deeply to love and be loved by Jesus, how much greater my witness would be of the grace and mercy of Him who saved me! Not only that, but how much simpler would my life become if I no longer attempted to maintain an image of holiness, but sought to be real and honest about my weaknesses, and, more importantly, about Christ's strength? I am certainly not saying that I should be comfortable with my sin and treat it as simply a nice topic of conversation, for it is a grave offense against the one true and holy God, nor am I saying that I should walk in sin so that nonbelievers will feel more at home around me. I am saying, though, that I am an imperfect and fallen creature, struggling to become what the Lord has called me to be, and that God is an almighty, perfect, holy God who is continuing to change my heart through the Gospel. This is a truth I should seek to share with all that I encounter! May He be glorified as I seek to be honest about the issues of my heart and, more importantly, as I proclaim His steadfast love and unchanging grace!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth
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