I Asked the Lord...

     To say these last few months have been trying would be quite the understatement.  Moments of rest have been scarce and, consequently, precious as I have experienced many intense struggles and have learned innumerable lessons.  It is difficult to recall precisely when this toiling journey began; however, to the best of my recollection, I believe it began around the start of July.  Throughout the school year prior to this summer, I, rather unknowingly, was living in the sin of pride and intense judgment.  I did not love the people at my school; I found most of them to be annoying, immature, and unworthy of my time or notice.  The Lord, being gracious toward me and hearing my earnest cries for growth, did not leave me to continue in this state of self-righteousness and pride.  Thus, in the summer, seemingly out of nowhere, I was overcome with a struggle against sin like nothing I had ever previously been faced with.  My heart was filled with all sort of evil and perversities, and, consequently, intense shame and despair.  I battled endlessly for a number of days, weeks even.  My heart and soul were utterly overtaken; every moment I found myself falling into wrongdoing.  Yet it was in this time, sheerly by the providence of God, that the truth of the Gospel became a reality to me.  In our studies at Panfork, we had been discussing how the weight and gravity of our sin separates us from the Lord and is quite distinct from the holiness and glory of God, and how, the more we realize the depth of our sin in light of God's perfection, the more we understand and glory in the love and power of the Cross.  As earlier mentioned, I had fallen into a state of sinning frequently in my heart and mind by feeling prideful and "puffed up" because of my "holiness".  In this season in my life, however, the Lord graciously opened my eyes to see not only the sin of my pride, but also the sinful motivations for even the "good" things for which I found reason for pride.  He continues to show me that without Him, I am nothing; that it is only by His divine grace and steadfast love that I have been saved.  Were it not for Him, I would be in a state far worse than those whom I previously found "unholy".  I am grateful for this lesson, as I can certainly see the fruit of it in my life as I strive to remain humble in the shadow of the Cross and try to love people as I have been loved, yet this has been quite a difficult season in my life.  Before I began this journey, I was introduced by a dear friend to a song by John Newton called "I Asked the Lord".   When first I heard the words to the song, I found them to be pleasing and good; however, after the Lord brought me into the Valley of Vision, the words to this moving song were such a sweet comfort to me and resonated the cries of my heart.  I recall sitting at the piano weeping uncontrollably and singing this song at the top of my lungs as I struggled and battled against the sin of my soul, yet all the while feeling the assurance that the Lord would deliver me and bring me to a place of more intimate knowledge of Him.  I am amazed and thank the Lord for using a song written by John Newton in 1779 ago to minister to my weak and hurting soul in 2011.  What a mighty, sovereign God I serve!  Praise Him for His steadfast love, the redemptive power of the Cross, the sanctification of His saints, and His unwavering and continual pursuit of me!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

I Asked the Lord

Written by John Newton

I asked the Lord that I might grow                                                                                                            
In faith and love and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

'Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request;
And by His love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in ev'ry part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed
Cast out my feelings, laid me low.

"Lord, why is this," I trembling cried,
"Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?"
"'Tis in this way," the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free,
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thine all in me."                      

Hot, steamy summers, hard, tiring work, and boundless blessings...

     No matter how many times I recall the events that led me to Panfork, I cannot seem to discern how, other than by the grace and providence of God, I came to work there.  Upon remembering, the events which transpired seem strange and almost unreal; my older brother Jesse simply mentioned the place to me in passing, and I, for unknown reasons, felt an unusual desire to work there.  Only a few weeks after my first exposure to the idea of Panfork, I had been granted a guaranteed position as a 2010 summer staffer.  Regardless of the countless times I have racked my memory for an answer, I have yet to discover why I was interested in working at a church camp that was completely foreign to me and was located two hours away from my home.  I knew next to nothing about Panfork, I knew no one who worked there, save Kade Wilcox, and at the time I was far from the Lord.  I suppose in reality I desired an escape from myself, and Panfork presented just that.  More than that, though, I know that it was the Lord leading me and guiding me, though my face was hidden from Him.
Upon my arrival I had no idea what a change was to occur in my heart and mind as a result of what candidly seemed to be a summer job.  Nonetheless, I am grateful beyond words for my experiences at Panfork.  Prior to the summer of 2010, I was depressed, purposeless, and despairing.  The Lord beautifully used the work, relationships, and opportunities I encountered that summer to draw me once again into His arms and to mold me further into His image.  I have learned much and have grown immensely since then.  I cannot express in words my gratitude to Kade and Lacey Wilcox for their selfless investment in me, their continual encouragement to me, and their irreplaceable involvement in my life.  They have truly been a blessing to me, giving me much wisdom and admonishment.  Oh...and a car!!!!  Everyday I am amazed that Devin Noble chose to pursue a relationship with me.  At the time in which we met, I was young, foolish, and probably a bit crazy, too.  Yet, he lovingly chose me and committed to me and has not ceased to be a blessing to me.  He has truly helped to change my entire perception of reality and to view all things in light of the Gospel. Many of the other staffers are my dear friends, pen pals, sisters and brothers in Christ, of whom I am unspeakably grateful.  Panfork would be nothing special were it not for the individuals therein who have been radically altered by the Gospel and who seek to glorify Christ in all things. 
I have experienced beautiful, boundless growth as a result of my time at Panfork, thanks to the graciousness of the Lord and the wonderful friendships with which He blessed me.  I cannot thank Him enough for saving me from the despair in which I once lived, for delivering me from the domain of darkness and transferring me to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom I have found redemption and the forgiveness of sins.  Praise the Lord!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

Scars

     As I looked upon my reflection in the mirror today, I was tempted, as I so often am, to be utterly repulsed by the face before me.  Most women I know struggle intensely with desiring to feel beautiful, and I am certainly no exception.  After battling cystic acne for a number of years, my skin is certainly not pale and porcelain as I would like.  Consequently, at times I can hardly stand to look at my face for all the deep scars within it. Today, though, in the midst of this moment of despair, the Lord, as He is so faithful to do, brought a beautiful revelation into my mind that nearly brought me to tears. 
There was a time in my life in which I lived in a state of utter despair, self-loathing, and depression.  I could not stand my life; I was very far from the Lord; at times, all I wanted to do was die.  Strangely, though certainly not accidentally, enough, this was about the time that my skin was breaking out the worst and causing me both physical and emotional pain.  Thankfully, though, by the grace of God, I was providentially lifted out of this state of hopelessness by a number of fantastic events and was brought once again into the arms of the Father, where I experienced much joy and healing.  Foolishly I believed that after this renewal, my life would be smooth sailing.  However, though I have been healed, not only of my struggle against cystic acne, but more importantly of the sickness in my soul, I still live with the scars of my past struggles and battles.  At times, I am drawn once again into despair and depression; at times, I am tempted to believe in the lies which so terribly entangled me before the Lord's grace abounded to me and rescued me; at times, all I can see are the scars and the limp that I carry from my past.  Yet, I can find, and continue to find, renewed joy and healing in the Gospel.  In Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, Albert Mohler wonderfully illustrates this concept:
"Consider a man who has sinned by driving under the influence of alcohol.  One night, sinfully drunk and recklessly irresponsible, this man drives right into a wall at high speed.  His body is broken, but his life is saved as he is taken to the hospital and receives emergency treatment.  He recovers from the accident, but he will forever walk with a limp.  Let us follow this man as he comes to faith in Christ.  The grace of God transforms him, reordering his affections as he gains victory over alcoholism.  Regeneration has produced a new man.  "The old has passed away; behold the new has come" (2 Cor. 5:17)--but he still walks with a limp.  This limp does not disqualify him from displaying the glory of God.  As a matter of fact, he may see his limp as an opportunity for witness: "I want to tell you who I was in order to tell you who I now am by the grace of God.  You see, this limp is a part of my story.  It's an important part of how I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ and how he changed my life."  In reality, every one of us limps.  Throughout our lives, until the day of glorification, every one of us will limp.  We must look to the moment of our future glorification (Rom. 8:30) as the moment of our release from every limp."
What an encouragement it is to know that although I may now limp and carry scars because of sin's affect on my body and soul, I am not condemned to forever live and walk as an incomplete creature.  There will be complete release and full restoration on the day of glorification!  Praise the Lord!  As for now, I pray that I will use my limp and scars to bring glory to Christ, to proclaim not only the saving work he has done and continues to do in my life, but the ultimate hope I have for eternity in Him for healing!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

A Seemingly Futile Quest for Answers

     As a senior in high school, it seems as if the only topic those around me are interested in is the future.  I cannot count the number of times of late that  I have been asked questions such as "Where are you going to college?" or "What are you going to major in?" or "What do you want to do with your life?".  Because I have been so continually questioned and rather frequently berated for my typically inconclusive responses, I recently endeavored to discover the elusive answers to these seemingly pressing questions.  Unfortunately, despite my noblest efforts, all I came to find in my Quest for Answers was frustration and depression.  I thought quite long and hard about all the potential routes my future could take, which path I should choose, and various other autonomous issues.  Afterward, though, I felt no sudden relief or revelation; in reality, all I wanted to do was crawl up in the corner and cry.  Yet, after about a day of despair and confusion, the Lord was very gracious to reveal to me the apparent error in my way of thinking.  All too often I am foolishly led astray and befuddled by the influence of society, with their questions such as "What do you want to do with your future?" or "What are your plans?".  Such questions do not glorify the Lord, but glorify the individual, and quite frankly lead to hopelessness and selfishness.  Thankfully, the Lord has not left me to perish in such places, but continues to allow me to see my life, not in light of the false teachings of man, but in light of His Gospel and grace.  Rather than asking myself what I want to do, I instead should consider "What could I do, not only in the future, but right now, to best serve the Kingdom of Christ?" and "What gifts has the Lord granted to me, whether as an individual or as a part of His Redeemed, that I can use to serve the church and the Kingdom?".  When I ask myself these questions, the answers seem far more clear and Biblical than when I attempt, usually in vain, to figure out what Janae wants to do.  The Lord has graciously extended salvation to me, while I was yet a sinner, and has adopted me into His household.  As a redeemed member of the body of Christ, I am called to serve and love the Church.  Thus, even if my ideas and plans for my future do not come to fruition, I can rest knowing that I will always be called, in whatever walk of life or whatever circumstance, to serve and love the church, be it through women's ministry or worship ministry or children's ministry or whatever the Lord wills.  Additionally, the Lord created me as a woman, unique and distinct from man, for a reason and a purpose.  As a woman, I can serve the Kingdom by being a loving wife and mother in the future, though such things inevitably demand sacrifice and will surely be sanctifying.  Because I was created by God for the role of Wife and Mother, I know that I would find joy and fulfillment in doing those things.  What a relief it has been to ponder my future not as my own, but as Christ's, for I no longer belong to myself, but to Him!  May I seek to serve Him, not only in the days to come, but in each and every day!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth

Beginnings...

     In my lifetime, I have not written much of anything, or at least anything of significance.  My writings have consisted mainly of school assignments and personal journalings, the former being unfortunately dull, and the latter, exceptionally personal.  However, in spite of my apparent lack of experience, I have continually found a certain beauty and comfort in the realm of the written word.  I am rather insecure in my communication skills as I am not particularly eloquent in speech or apt at converting my thoughts into words, yet, when writing, I find wonder and delight in attempting to convey my thoughts and feelings into comprehensible words.  Thus, though faced with my own inhibitions, I decided to start a blog.  I am completely terrified, as I am generally quite guarded and cannot imagine real people reading my thoughts and writings.  Nonetheless, I want to do this, if only to satisfy my need for introspection and expression.  It is my earnest hope and prayer that through my writings, Christ will be magnified; that, as I recount my experiences, thoughts, mistakes, struggles, and joys, it will be evident that Christ is at work in my life and heart.  He is my life, my joy, my purpose, my all, my end.  May he be glorified in all that I think, say, and do!
Blessings,
Janae Elisabeth