Known and Loved

I feel sick,
Plagued
By this desire of desires
Flooding my being;
Its waves,
Crashing into my face,
Tear into my dreams
And wake me from restless sleep.

To be known
And to be loved.

I remember hearing it voiced for the first time,
In the days
Before self-awareness had crept in;
Before the make-up and the straighteners
And the weight-loss plans;
Before these feelings of inadequacy
And self-loathing
And "If I could just be...more."
Before I was taken captive by these ideas,
Crafted in the mind of the Enemy,
Of what beauty and womanhood mean.
In a simpler time,
When I knew what it was to be Janae
Because I could be
Without shame,
I heard it
And knew,
That it was the thing my heart beat for,
Longed for,
Prayed for.
To be known
And to be loved.

Unlike now,
I knew,
With a head of free blonde hair
And a mind of endless wonder,
That I was known:
Perfectly,
Intimately
Known,
And yet,
Somehow,
Perfectly,
Intimately
Loved.
This truth,
I clung to
With every fiber of my being.
My heart was satisfied;
My desires fulfilled.

But Tragedy struck
And Self-Awareness arrived,
Like a bitter enemy,
Seeking revenge against
All joy and contentment.
I became
All questions
And doubts.
"I am not
That Magazine-Pretty.
Will I ever find love?
Will I ever be cherished?
Who could possibly know me
And love me,
Truly,
Deeply
For all I am?"

I gave up,
Surrendered my longings for love,
Feeling certain
It could never be found
For a girl
With a face so scarred,
Hair so coarse,
And a heart so broken.

Yet,
Deep within me
Still rages that ocean of desire,
Interrupting my careful suppressions
And awakening in me
This need for knowledge and for love.
I long
To be thought of as lovely;
To be sought after.

I am reminded of her,
A Janae untainted by "maturity" and "experience",
Who held on with heart rendered
And fists unclenched
To the Lover of her soul
And the Husband of her heart.

I long
To live with such freedom again,
Knowing,
But not caring,
That I will never be beautiful enough
Or intelligent enough
Or thin enough
Or socially adept enough
To satisfy the expectations
That weigh so heavily upon me;
To live joyously surrendered
To my Glorious Lover,
Father,
Friend,
Savior
Who knows me,
Perfectly,
Intimately,
And loves me,
Perfectly,
Intimately.


Here my hope lies,
Rests,
Is made complete:
Though I may never know what it is
To be known
And to be loved
By a man on Earth,
The God who became man,
Who created all that is,
Even this torn apart heart,
Shall satisfy my soul
And this ocean of desires
For now and forever.